My ex-wife was highly manipulatieve. I am as of now not sure how much of these ONS or weird things actually took place (in retrospect, most of this relationship was built on lies). Also, most of her story telling and all of the bizarre stuff happened in the first year. After that she never expressed a desire to repeat or further explore this. She had exploited my insecurity to the maximum and had me under control.

With my current GF, she stresses the importance of a strong emotional connection, which we have. She says that carressing her breasts, with only her pleasure in mind is worth more than the most exciting position (and that was another trigger, because in my mind, she knows of this most exciting position and I don't).
Her episode with pain came up when I told her about the origin of my insecurity ("it can also be fun in the proper context", and honestly, I knew this too from a previous relationship but I had more or less forgotten). Over time she hinted at a very strict upbringing on one side and relationships in which she experienced little love and respect on the other. Her phase as she called it, learnt her that she is not just an object and has a right to express and live her desires. It probably happened during the honeymoon phase of a relationship. On a rational level, I can understand why she had this need (and here too, I did once go that road just because it was exciting) and given my own experience it should not scare me. Moreover, she does not give the impression she still longs for this, and even if she would, mutual trust might still drag me over the line
Moreover, with her focus on connection, on a rational level and given what I start to remember about my own attitudes, I should believe we will do great together but still, her having had this phase makes me believe there is nothing of value left to experience with me as my anxiety tells me it was not just this but everything else as well that she's done.

Looking back consciously over the last few weeks, I am well aware of what I bring into a relationship on a sexual level. In my previous two relationships (which includes my toxic marriage), I got the compliment that many women would kill to receive that kind of attention but still I cannot believe this will ever be enough.

I really need a way out of this without having to quit from this relationship. If I don't it will without a doubt pop up in a next relationship too. That is, if there can ever be any because I am currently terrified by my anxiety too. It stifles me.