Very strong wave of negativity in my mind right now. I’m worried about RS potentially having something serious, and my brain is telling me it wouldn’t be surprising given how my life has gone and it would serve me right. I’m thinking I should just pack it in but I know CR would be devastated and I could never do that to him. Plus my mind is telling me I deserve this, I deserve to feel bad and that’s what I get and I can’t disappear because I deserve all this pain.

I remember when I was 15 and at the group home I felt like such a terrible person that I thought I didn’t even deserve to I deserved to live on the streets in NYC and suffer. I was close to NYC when I lived at the group home so I dreamed of running away, catching the train and disappearing into the people. I would get the pain I deserved and everyone would be rid of me.

Kind of how I feel now. CR is and has been the only thing that keeps me here. I know in my heart I’m a good mother despite all this BP trash. Not great, I keep leaving him for IP, but at least I’m trying. I’m way better than I used to be. I’m hoping to make it a year IP free. If I can make it til March 9 I’ll have done it.

Im now thinking it’s definitely the stress of the worry that has tipped me over. I guess tomorrow I have to write out a list of coping skills that will work in this situation. I did go for a walk today, I’ve got that going for me. I didn’t get to talk to my therapist today, she forgot the appointment (it’s virtual so I’m not sitting in an office waiting) so I rescheduled for tomorrow. She’ll help me sort out my thoughts. RS has his dr appt tomorrow too, so we’ll see what tests he needs.

I took an extra 50mg seroquel so it’s lights out. Thank goodness.