Difficult day. I didn’t think I could go back after my lunch break was over but the other assistant was out today so I didn’t want to leave my teacher alone. It was so hard. Being in the sun on the playground helped a bit, I could talk to my coworkers and not be so stuck in my head. There’s only two more days in the week. I can make it. Then next week there’s four half days for conferences and I don’t have to stay. That’ll help.

I’m laying in bed now and the SH thoughts are strong. I can feel the tingling on my arms. That was my go to SH spot for many years so that’s where it manifests. I feel like I should push myself to go for a walk to distract myself. Maybe I will, just up to the school and back. I feel like crying. I rarely cry. When I’m super depressed I feel like crying but I feel too dead inside to actually do it.

This is all my fault for going off lexapro I bet. I haven’t messed with my meds on my own for two years yet here we are. When will I learn? I really thought it was such a low dose that it couldn’t be doing anything. Well, now I know. I’ll see what my therapist says. I had a nightmare last night that I was forced to go to the crisis center. I hate it there, I really feel that they just see my name come up and automatically recommend IP. I’ve only ever left a crisis center without IP maybe twice. And I refuse to go there again, if I have to be admitted in the future I’ll call up my ECT hospital and get admitted directly. I won’t do ECT anywhere but my hospital, I already have enough fear of it, I don’t trust anyone except them. They’re very nice there too, the last thing I need is to go somewhere with mean people.

But I don’t need IP right now, I’m safe. I’m not paranoid or hearing things. I just need to hang on.

Edit: I did go for a short walk.