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I get it, needing/asking for help for things a lot of people don't need help with is hard, but keep in mind it does seem like you have people willing to help which is good. Do yourself a favor and do a bit of self-care and find a good pdoc/T (I don't know where in the north you are but if you're in the Boston area you're in a lot of luck there).
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"I don't know what I'm looking for."
"Why not?"
"Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them."
"What, are you crazy?"
"It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet,"
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