I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow and am full of all sorts of anxiety about it. I haven't been taking my meds right (self-medicating with seroquel and starting to wean myself off loxapine) and have some suicidal thoughts, and last time it was like this she had me involuntarily committed, so I'm afraid to open up to her about how I've been feeling. I don't want to go inpatient! I want to stay home! I'm thinking about just canceling the appointment. I feel so bad and guilty! I know it's bad to mess with my meds, but no one is taking my side effects from loxapine seriously! My psychiatrist blew me off. My primary blew me off and told me to talk to my psychiatrist.

My next appointment with him isn't until November 22nd! I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm doing a slow taper off loxapine. Just starting with eliminating my morning dose. My hope is to get down to just taking my night dose and see how I do (I have an afternoon dose as well).

And as far as seroquel goes... it's bad. I'm allotted 100mg a day and sometimes have taken up to 300mg because I just want to sleep. This is embarrassing. I don't want to tell my therapist this!

I have to cancel. I don't want her to throw me inpatient again!