My Mum is coming to stay next week and I feel incredibly anxious and nervous. I love my Mum, but there is also quite a bit of tension between us, as well as some very tricky unresolved emotional stuff. I do not see my Mum very often. I live in California, she lives in the UK. It's a long flight to get there and over the years I have found it increasingly difficult to travel, let alone get on a plane for 12 hours. My Mum comes over here. But she's 84. And I feel more and more guilty about putting her through that amount of travel, even though it's literally the only way we are able to see each other now.

For an 84 year old, she does really well. But 84 is old in anyone's book and she does have some health issues. The whole situation is becoming more and more of a nightmare for me and I have been sticking my head in the sand for a really long time. But I can feel that we are approaching crisis point.

I moved over here to California in 2001 when I married my husband (who is from here). At first we used to fly back to the UK regularly, but it became more and more difficult for me to make that journey. Lots of reasons. It's way more complicated than just fear of flying. It has a lot to do with my poor mental health. There are some days I literally find it hard to leave my house. Making a journey of the magnitude that is flying to London, and then making another long journey from there to my Mum's house, feels completely and utterly outside the bounds of possibility. I mean, really unimaginable. LIke, even dosed up with Ativan, I don't see how I could make the trip. And it's not just the trip, it's being there. I can't explain it.

My Mum doesn't really understand why I'm like this, and she also doesn't understand mental illness. That is one of the sources of tension between us. I feel there is a part of her that wants to tell me to "pull myself together". She has never said it in a mean way, but she has hinted at it. Of course, I already feel like the worst daughter in the world and carry around a **** ton of guilt on my shoulders. Guilt that comes entirely from me. Obviously I would much rather be the kind of person who is mentally healthy and able to do normal things like fly to visit family. But I'm not that person.

Even when my Mum comes here there is some tension. And I really don't want there to be any tension. I just want us to get along and enjoy this time together. I haven't seen her in over a year (we FaceTime twice a week). This could be the last time I see her since neither of us is getting any younger. I really wish I didn't have these conflicting feelings. It's hard to explain. I really love my Mum. I really appreciate that she is flying out here to visit, again. And I also have these other difficult feelings that I wish I didn't have. Typically, when my Mum is here, I end up needing to go to the ER. It's really weird. I am such a ****ing mess.

I don't want to make this post even longer than it already is. It's just about wanting to get this out. One of the other things I really like about this thread is that people share their stuff and there isn't any advice giving or anything of that nature. But there is support. That's exactly what I'm looking for. I don't need or want advice. I just want to share these difficult feelings with people who won't judge me, or even ask me to explain myself further. There is great value in that. Thank you.