It's good to have other people to compare notes with, understand, be understood, and not feel so crazy and alone as you try and sort these things out, isn't it?

Sometimes it helps to just vent, so you can clear your mind and get on with the day.

Defining what keeps you in place is good, then you're focused on the benefits more than the detriments, you know? It can also help you to focus more on yourself and what you need out of the situation at any given point in time.

Each morning, I try to come up with something to do that day that's productive and forward thinking/moving. It might not be possible to significantly improve things as they stand now, but what if you can strive towards just a little bit better? Maybe it adds up, or moves things in a better direction, over time? (Even if only for you)

Isn't that interesting how much easier things can be when certain people/family members are absent? There can be some clarity in that. Is your H different with his parents gone? Do you see the effect on him? Is he able to see it? Is there a specific reason you think it's easier when they aren't around? Is it just the energy they impart?

For years we would go visit family for the day (mine and his in the same town), and the next day I'd say I had a "family hangover." It wasn't a joke, it literally felt like a hangover or the flu or something. Now, understanding more, it's a little easier to see how the exhaustion comes from the constant emotional-energy-ping-pong that they engage in.

—>in that these are people you can't correct or hint they made a mistake in any way because they are otherwise so hard on themselves. ←–

Very well said. This is a mistake I made time and again for a long time. He *might* be able to recognize what he's doing and that it's harmful to himself and others, but the shame is so great that he has to block it from himself, or rationalize it away. It won't get fixed until (and if) he comes to that point on his own.

The things that your therapist is helping you with in regards to your own core issues sounds good, and probably a productive place to put your energy. We end up in relationship dynamics that we do for a reason, right? And the only person we can fix is ourselves…

October has continued to be a weird and chaotic rollercoaster. Unfortunately, I found myself sucked back into a few old, bad habits, despite him being away for a few days. It may not be in a direct way, but I became more focused on him, his behavior, and his problems than is healthy. I need to brush up and double down on some codependency work. It's challenging, because he seems to actively attempt to manipulate me into his vortex often times, and maintaining an equilibrium of not getting drawn in past the centerline can be tough. Add to this that at one point he was very upset and able to recognize some of the cognitive losses and problems he's experiencing— it's hard to not jump in and try to "fix" things for him when it looks more like brain damage. But fixing can end up being code for enabling, and if done incorrectly, he doesn't have to face the truth of his problems- because I do it for him. Yeah, he's a mess and not always very nice, but there's room for improvement in myself.

Guess that's this week. I hope that you've been doing well. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed. The October rollercoaster has been something else… but it's come with a lot of new clarity that I'm still working to digest.