Talked to L today. She told me two good tips for surviving this situation. 1. I'm not responsible for my safety. I AM responsible for taking one thing at a time and to use my safety plan. But it is perfectly okay to need to depend on others to keep me safe during this time. 2. I need to push through the hard times, that that is where the healing is. Ignoring or denying it not only will delay healing, but also compound/complicate things.

She is right. I need to push through and depend on G and J. It's up to them to keep me safe. I have my role and they have theirs. AND I need to show up for my sessions with G. I was planning on skipping the first few, but that won't help me. That's pushing him away, ignoring the issues, denying my need for help. Just as J and T are no longer my therapist, G also isn't. He is a support for this period of time. That's all.

I feel a lot of relief from the burden. It doesn't help the pain or grief, but it makes things more manageable. L says to remember 3 things: validate my emotions, use my skills to get in my window, and one step (or second) at a time.

This is so hard. I haven't had to suffer this much in the last 8.5 years.

9 days, 4 sessions, and one phone call left.