Hi all,

I mostly spend my down time thinking non-stressful thoughts, pondering myself and others, situations, maybe researching something, watching a TV show and such.

What this amounts to for me is being in my head.

I don't want to end up preferring a fantasy world, but I have been diagnosed as dysthymic before bipolar which is a sort of constant, mild depression. I think what really had the doctor come to that conclusion is my first inpatient for depression, I admitted for the 1st time to someone, after digging deep into my memories, that when I was in elementary school, or small enough to be on my mom's lap, I casually told her during the fireworks of 4th of July that I'd be okay with killing myself. It was a calming feeling, however what I believe allow me to recall this was the feeling of being in this alone, as my mom didn't have a strong reaction. It was never talked about again, until my inpatient during college. The feeling/thought never totally went away, and being able to recall that actually made me a bit sad. Because although it wasn't really an intense situation, the fact that I was able to sit with that and still do, is sort of depressing in itself.

I don't want to live in my head. Sometimes or even often my head isnt fun. Sometimes quirky.

How could I better enjoy life's complexities and nuances in the moment to keep me out of my head? Without substances, which is a difficulty but I'm doing not bad so far