Disclaimer: nothing is considered boyish or girly everyone is just human.
My family consists of my dad, mom, sister and me. My mom wanted a son but she had us both daughters. My dad loves us dearly and wants us to behave like princesses. Unfortunately I sit in a very boyish way. Sometimes I judge others for being too girly. And It is my shortcoming. That doesn’t change anything. Sometimes my jaw looks very big and I feel like it’s very manly. Even when I had a boycut a friend said “you look like a man” and it hurt me so much. What is considered “man”? Is it wrong to look like that? We can’t put ourselves in a box! I also feel like going to the gym. My best friend is a 15 year old boy, he’s five years younger than me and I love him so much. Sadly I feel like I can’t understand him. My hair used to be short. A girl asked me if I’m transgender. It hurt a lot that even my close friend thought I’m trans. I asked my parents in tears if it’s true. My mom said “if you were trans, we would have told you” but that didn’t make me feel better because she won’t know if I’m trans. How would she? Is it visible outside? Ok maybe not visible but what about my thoughts and attractions? I once felt like kissing a girl and I thought even Anne Frank felt like that. Michael Jackson used to be friends with little boys. He wanted to recover some lost part of his childhood. His father was quite harsh and I understand why he might want to recover his childhood through these kids. But what about me? What am I trying to recover through small boys, I’m a girl! Am I secretly a boy? Or am I halfway? Hard to tell. I feel attracted to boys. I’ve had many crushes. I don’t know if I fell in love with a guy coz it is easy to fall out of love too. When do we know we truly love a guy? Is partnership such an important thing? So many people are confused. I’m confused why my friend group consists of youngsters. Am I afraid of people my age? Am I so conceited that I don’t wanna involve myself with them? My mom may have some part to play. She once or twice made me feel ashamed when I left my sanitary napkin in the bathroom by mistake. She said ew get that out of there. Why Ma? It’s okay I forgive her. But what about the confusion I’m left with? I could hear undertones of her dissatisfaction with me. She really wanted a boy. What’s so great about a boy that a girl doesn’t have? Why did she tell me to wear “girly” clothes and use more makeup for my “own good”? My sister told me I’m not feminine enough. What’s wrong with that? What’s considered feminine? A beautiful body? A high voice? Being gentle and stuff? Cooking? Cleaning? Doing housework? I don’t know. Personally I feel housework like washing clothes and dishes are universal skills. Even cooking. Knowing how to boil potatoes and carrots allows us to feed ourselves. Knowing how to cut tomatoes allows us to make sauce. Knowing how to use spices allows us to create meals our friends can enjoy. Is cooking a woman’s job? No. Maybe breastfeeding is a woman’s job because she has the right body for the baby. But is cooking for the husband also her job? Is the husband one giant baby? Why this differentiation?
Men are forced to shut up their emotions and it hurts me because it hurts my friend who is a boy.
Is that true? “Strong boys don’t cry” “you’re a strong boy right? Now don’t cry” how rude!
And what about women? Women who aren’t hardworking enough are considered lazy, even if the boy doesn’t do work it’s fine. “You’re girls you should know how to cook” “being a woman you’re not working” said my mom and aunt
How dare she make fun of others saying “being a woman you don’t know how to do housework”
Men are told they need to work and get girlfriends only then they have honour or something.
“You look like a boy” so what if I do? What is considered “boy” that I don’t look feminine enough?
My hair needs to be long, only then I’m a girl? Strange
What’s wrong with my hair? Apart from the hormonal issue that makes my hair oily, does it have to be “beautiful”? What is “beautiful”? Everyone’s definition is different. Am I ugly? Does it matter? Why do looks matter? We are all humans. Am I fat? Being judged for my looks or weight is wrong. But we can’t stop others. Am I fat? It makes one wonder how much we give importance to what others say. Even if it’s our close friend. “You have no friends” they may be younger than me but that doesn’t make them any lesser of a friend than others. A friend is a friend right? Do they have to be my age? Okay I agree they may not understand me. Ok I agree, what’s wrong, because my age friends are available online even if not in person. Okay even if I am fat, I can go to the gym right? I am skinny fat. Which means all my extra fat is in my belly. Okay, so does that make me “fat” I mean how much is considered fat, is it a threshold? Before which you’re “thin” or “skinny”.
Weird part is I was teased for being too thin as well. Back when I had an eating problem. I would skip meals and obsess over getting fat or how many calories in healthy food, etc.
“you’re slow” okay what if I am? Does it make you better than me?
“You’re ugly” in what way? My eyes? My face? Is there something nice about my face? I think it’s nice, except the pimples.
I realised gender expression, orientation, identity and sex are all different. I don’t know the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity but I do know my sex is female. I behave boyish according to traditional ideas which means androgynous or something. I’m not entirely like a boy or a girl. It’s just the way we are. Now, I get attracted to both boys and some girls but not as much as boys, which means 98% of the time I feel attracted to boys. During the times I feel like kissing a girl I shake my head because in society it’s looked down upon. It’s just impulse, not real feeling. But I imagine myself with a guy.
I will find out more and post.