Thanks LT. That means a lot.

Last night/this morning, I should be in the hospital. And I'm not because then I would miss out on what little support I have from L left.

One of L's closest family memebers has 24hrs left to live. She will never get to meet L's baby. And because of this, L can't be there for me.

I called G last night. It was a disaster. So awkward, there were silences, and instead of suggesting things he asked me what I think I should do... He completely sucked.

The only reason I'm still here is because of J and H. I didn't have much of a conversation with J. She kind of disappeared after her second text reply. But she did tell me to write L, and I did. H got a reminder of how bad things are/can be. And how stable I am when I'm with L. He was so upset because of my instense active SI last night. He stayed with me, hugged me, listened to me, even cuddled with me without asking for sex. He's the one who got me to take my Clonazepam and to contact J and G.

Saying I'm devastated is an understatement. I need L so desperately and life is taking her away from me. I feel so much grief for me and for L. It's not fair. I just hurt.