Well, yesterday was update day. I finally sent you an email. I had gotten through all my Oct appointments and had the results of them. I still have more things coming. The email was like writing a goodbye letter to you and maybe it will be. Your response was nice, it was ok - better than I feared. It also didn't really have any openings or welcoming statements for more emails from me. I know I can email you. I also know ... or is it believe... that I'm not suppose to. Norms so confusing - the norm or guideline here is that we ended so other than by fate, we should not have any further interaction. But that is just a norm, a guideline... an ethical stance in a field where things are far from normal and to some degree voyeuristic.

Yesterday was very hard day. A very painful day.

I wanted to email you again today - it wasn't as strong as I think it could have been. Then again, I've been using my not so helpful coping mechanisms. And I' m coping. Which, I am in need of coping.

So much of our work was about how I didn't have to follow rules that I make up or that I believe society imposes on me - here I find myself stuck in the place of.... if I make myself follow this guideline at whatever cost, am I doing the right thing or is the right thing doing what will not have a damaging/harmful price to pay and allow you to say if my behavior is not ok with you specifically - regardless of the guideline.

And how much of the polite, warm, but also distant form of replies can I take before I start reading into what is not said all the bad things about me?

It really is a mind f.

ETA - I think the truth is, I'm suppose to find coping ways of dealing with the change (grief) that does not include contacting you and is not damaging or harmful. The problem is that's not what I want, and it always sucks to be forced to not have what one wants.