L says that learning how to navigate these difficult situations while being constantly triggered could be messy at times. What matters most is that I'm still here, still communicating and still trying.

She said to ask from everyone including the people here on the forums for understanding, understanding, and understanding. We identified that is what my soul needs from people. Not advice or direction or perceptions or criticisms. Just understanding.

So I ask you all, whoever is willing to actually help me, to please just try to understand. Understand that I'm extremely raw, vulnerable and sensitive right now. That I'm not going to get everything right, but that I don't have to be perfect to be safe. That it's okay to not be okay. And that what I'm going through hurts like hell for me. I'm not trying to be bad. I am not a bad person. I am hurting. I'm messy and imperfect. And I still need love, acceptance, and most of all understanding.