Quote:
Originally Posted by ScarletPimpernel
Thank you, LT. It's nice knowing someone understands, and I'm sad that you were in that position, too.
H has really really stepped it up. Even today when I was having a breakdown at the vet, he kept me calm, told me to reach out to L or J. He even offered to stop working early tonight just to be with me.
G...we'll I wrote him telling him all that I felt went wrong. He wrote me back and acknowledged each point and even said he wishes he did things differently like reading my notes before initiating the phone call or helping me understand his mental process instead of being silent. We both agreed it was a hard situation considering that a crisis call was only our 2nd interaction outside of emails. His email was very reassuring. If nothing else, we can connect through writing.
L did respond to my text today and she'll call me in an hour. I'm trying so hard to hold it all.
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ScarletPimpernel, I completely understand. It was Dr. S's cancellation 2 hrs before a session because of having to take a family member to the ED (like she has no other family in town) and the next day her saying she'd have to move our next session to video -- along with the knowledge that our time was coming to a complete ending that lead me to cutting our time short by 5 sessions and I went back for a 20 min visit to say good bye in person. It sucks... (can't really use profanity here with it showing) It is painful. I've had to use my PRN to get through days (I already take clonazepam so I have other meds for PRN). Neither of the 2 T's that I am working with right now feel right and that's not just because they are not Dr. S. Neither of them allow between session contact... one doesn't really even acknowledge schedule things until he is back in the office and I have a Monday at 9:30 appt. ... I don't mean to make this be about me... and it really sounds like I'm doing that. I'm trying to say - I know how bad it is, how much it hurts, how others can be wrong for you without it not being about them not being L... that taking your PRN is a kindness to give yourself. And yes... SI and SH has been going on for me this last 6-8 weeks, since I was informed that Dr. S. was closing her practice.
For some of us, it is the only time we really feel seen, welcomed, wanted, loved, ... for just existing... it's a time and place where the person with us ... gets the words we say, understands what those words really mean to us and is curious about us. They are not perfect, thus the ruptures... they are good enough that we create this bond/connection.
It's almost cruel yet - I for sure made more progress with Dr. S than I had with any other therapist/therapy and that is even with covid/video visits disrupting the type of therapy we were doing. So, it does work, it does help to allow ourselves to create these connections. It just hurts, devastating, and can feel so many other things all at once or contradictory ones at different times - when there are interruptions.
I didn't follow the conversation about your safety plan and any commentary around "right/wrong", autonomy, or control. What I know is a safety plan is very personal... personalized... and it is to keep you safe and feeling safe. It is what you want/need... and all that matters is that those that agree to help keep you safe understand what it is you need from them and are there to give it to you.
What is my safety plan... is mine and it is no one else's business but those that are on it. It sucks big time when the core person on that plan is no longer available. Very unsafe feeling - destabilizing.
Keep doing what you need to do to stay safe with the most kindness and the least amount of damage. It's really all any of us can do.
