Sending good thoughts to everyone who is going through really tough times at the moment. Wish I could do more than just send good thoughts and hope that doesn't sound empty (like a politician after a mass shooting). I really mean it and I feel genuine empathy when I read everyone's posts in this thread. I'm so sorry for the pain that is expressed by many. Wishing everyone better times!

I am all over the place mentally and emotionally, but mostly down, and mostly angry My moods are extremely unstable at the moment and I swear I am having a paradoxical reaction to Lithium. What is Lithium first and foremost?? It's an anti-manic, right? Well, not for me it isn't. Since I don't have Bipolar 1, this isn't a major problem, but it is a problem, and it's also very strange. When I first started Lithium 3 months ago, I found the almost immediate surge of energy I experienced really pleasant and very welcome because I had been really depressed. That surge didn't last long - maybe 2 weeks - and then things evened out. My first dosage increase went smoothly. I've just increased again, but not by much (I'm titrating up super, super slowly - my choice). But I really notice an increase in my agitation with this increase. And also my anger. I mean, that is honestly one of the main reasons I started taking Lithium to begin with. My hypomania often manifests with extreme irritability and outbursts of rage. It's embarrassing and I feel awful about myself afterwards (even worse than usual). Anyhow, the rage and anger and extreme irritability are back. And tomorrow my Mum arrives and I've already been a bit pissy with her on the phone, which is very poor behavior on my part given that she is flying over 5.5 thousand miles to come and visit me at aged 84.

I feel really stressed about this trip, even though I really want to see my Mum and I'm really grateful she is coming (since I can't go there). Mostly I think the stress comes from the fact that I had really hoped to be in a much better place by now. I started Lithium 3 months ago and I'm disappointed that I'm still very unstable and still dealing with a lot of agitated depression and anxiety. I've been doing a lot of cleaning and tidying around the house the last few days but it's been very difficult for me to focus on and complete single tasks. Instead I've been running around like a headless chicken from one thing to another. It's feels like when hypomania and ADHD collide: lots of energy, no focus.

I don't want to mess around with the doses of my psych meds while my Mum is here so I'm just going to stay where I'm at, or possibly even reduce the Lithium again. I take an SSRI too. I will add Ativan if I have to, but we'll see. I so wanted Lithium to be my "gamechanger", but it really isn't so far.

Trying not to dwell too much on what any of this means because I really want to focus on my Mum. That's another negative thing I find about mental illness: it makes me become incredibly self-absorbed. Like, everything is about me and my illness. It's always a shock to the system when my Mum comes to stay because she likes to do things and that means I have to behave more like a normal person. That has become increasingly difficult over the years. I like to go on long hikes every day with our dogs and that's pretty much it. My Mum isn't able to do long hikes anymore (obviously, she's in her 80s!) so I'm already stressing about how I'm going to get our dogs' exercise needs met and take my Mum on daily outings. And somehow magically reinvent my sleep schedule so that I get up before midday and go to sleep before daybreak. Man, there's nothing like having someone come and stay with you to throw into sharp relief just how dysfunctional your life has become