I'm feeling a little mixed today. Maybe not mixed episode, mixed -- but emotionally. After long consideration and feeling like a burden I cashed in my 3.7 year pension. It was sizeable for what it was. My mom found out and literally talked to me like I was a dog, how stupid I was and how I've " ruined everything" with my medicaid and trying to get disability. It really hurt because I got the money to HELP OUT, she acted as if having any part of it would be bad... so, I got impulsive and I splurged. I'm not blaming her for my splurgin-- but she definitely coaxed me. I gave her a minor chunk of it in cash and bought her a new ipad (the money was payment for taking care of me these years and the ipad was a gift). I bought a new watch, airpods, paid back some friends, and " invested" into my everyday activities -- subscription video games, paying my phone bill out for a year, etc.

then.. I got a little slap happy. My computer was over 10 years old and frankenstein'd to even work. It was relatively fast but just old and not the best. So, I bought a new one. A really nice gaming one. I got a good deal but it's far from "cheap". I bought new FHD screens to go with it. All in all, I have " upgraded" all parts of my life and I feel like I've paid back my debt to people who have really helped me.

I don't wanna use numbers so I will use percentages -- after all my spending I'm left with about 1/5 of the payment. I don't feel personally bad for spending it -- none of it is " frivolous" in the long run. I live on a computer and this will last me 10-15 years for sure. Well worth it's price (and the added bonus of being able to run just about anything). I paid off people I owed, I paid my bills, and I treated myself. However I feel like my mother will judge every purchase I make, and in my head I keep thinking I did something wrong. I mean, she thinks I was wrong to cash in my pension when IT WAS HER IDEA IN THE FIRST PLACE AND SHE NAGGED ME UNTIL SHE SAW WHAT I HAD, (below $15k),

My friends kind of make me feel bad, because my original plan was to try to use to get away, and restart my life.. but it wouldn't have worked well, and mom pushed me into a corner and made me feel awful. My whole intent isn't to jumpstart or try to force something that isn't ready to happen on myself ( like move out without being able to secure a job), but to not feel so much like a burden and be able to put something back into the world rather than always taking.

This may sound like a weird request-- but if you respond to my message-- please be kind. I'm very sensitive about the topic. My good friend was " disappointed" I bought a computer with some of the money, instead of .. what exactly? I don't know. Another made comments about me buying somethign for myself too. I'm not asking for justification on what I bought-- I took care of the things I needed to first, and then splurged on me which in turn is an investment into my quality of life. What I really need is to feel secure in my own decisions but I can't do it with everyone in my head telling me I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I was stupid to cash the check, I was stupid to use the money, I was stupid for existing.. It doesn't matter-- I'm just stupid in the end for whatever I do. That's how it really feels.

In other news, I got into a fight with my friend over politics. I begged him 3-4 times and asserted I didn't want to talk about it and it ended up with him acting a little belligerant (laughing at me for being a little heated with his pompous attitude). I firmly told him I would continue talking to him but I wasn't going to continue that conversation and he was going to understand that.

He didn't care for that, he has a hard time accepting "no" when it's something he wants. " Just watch this one video", "It's not long.." "I promise it wont be bad, just do it", " Look I have it pulled up", "Just see it." (that's the kind of guy he is).

He came at me with this "I'm not gonna let you talk to me like that" nonsense, because I told him and warned him repeatedly I wasn't about to continue down that road on politics. I ended up emotionally reacting to him because he started laughing at me and said something about my " emotionalness".

I told him to get over himself and hung up the call.

What makes it so hard, is I know it was an overreaction and he feels justified and "right". But we usually can talk about most things without issue -- but I warned him I wasn't in a place to do it multiple times so he brought it on both of us.

I don't know if it will blow over -- he's kinda like me, we may go years not talking again. I wouldn't like that, especially over this.. but I will see what happens I guess.



That, plus my mother's " You're not acting right and doing foolish things like cashing that check. Are you taking your meds? You need to see your therapist." . -- its just a slap in the face to be talked to that way because I don't like to be controlled by another person, and she wants to control everything. -- I'm so tired of having to constantly fight for my own independent thoughts.