My Mum is here and I am a nervous wreck. Tried really hard not to take an Ativan because I am strict with myself about saving them for emergencies. And even though severe anxiety and panic attacks feel like an emergency, they really aren't. I don't want to lower the bar even lower than it already is where I start needing Ativan just to do the most basic daily things. Isn't that what my other psych meds are for?

Clearly Lithium is not "the one" for me. My anxiety is literally through the roof again. My moods are unstable and my depression is worsening again. On top of that I'm agitated, irritable and angry. Why am I taking a drug that could potentially wreck my kidneys and thyroid if it's not even helping my mental illness? It makes no sense. While my Mum is here I will keep taking Lithium and my other med, but longer term there will have to be another change.

While I was at the airport yesterday waiting for my Mum, I was struck by how alienated I felt from all the passengers getting off their flights and the folks meeting them. Flights from Sydney and New Delhi and Ho Chi Min City had landed at the same time as my Mum's flight from London. Hundreds of people coming through Arrivals greeting loved ones like it was all no big deal. No big deal to have been sitting on a plane for 12 + hours (more hours than that if you're coming from Sydney or Delhi). Going off with friends and family members to do all the normal things people do when they travel. These are things that feel so completely out of my reach. I can't even imagine being able to do them anymore. Even just driving to the frickin' airport was a big deal for me. This also reminded me why I don't go out much. It's painful to be reminded of how much I can't do!

Ok, time to end my pity party. There's a fine line between wanting to be honest about how I'm feeling and wallowing in the "poor me" mindset. My therapist often asks me why I'm so much more interested in the problem than in the solution. And she definitely has a point. It's like I have a kind of morbid fascination with my mental illness. I also don't believe there is a solution to it, but there are management strategies I could focus on.