Oddly, the self-hate thing was something I had been doing, really just embracing it and it's helped me process a lot. I still absolutely hate what I've done and my mood changes daily, but little by little I see the differences. Most of my self-hate comes from the fact that my actions caused such unfixable damage, but I'm slowly accepting my new reality and looking for ways to improve it.

Thank you everyone for your support and suggestions.