I’ve been on the forums here for about 10 years, I’ve come and gone as I’ve went in and out of therapy, and have always found the people here so helpful when it comes to navigating therapy.

I would read through the threads and always noticed how human everyone seemed and I was always glad that I did not have the same issues that I saw myself being immune to. Things that are commonly discussed like abandonment issues, hurt feelings, attachment to therapists and just plain being vulnerable to being hurt by others. I actually would feel a little superior in a way because I didn’t have any of these issues and so Nobody could hurt me. I’d even type ‘I’m not clingy’ or ‘I don’t have abandonment issues’ like it somehow made me better or more acceptable.

Just to be clear, I’m not belittling anyones struggles by any means. I’m just trying to process the changes in myself as I realise I actually do have all of those issues but have been protecting myself from having to feel them all my life. I’m a bit in shock that I could even do that and be so convinced of my ‘superiority’. Now I realise how pathetic that really was while all the brave people are the ones being open and vulnerable. And I thought I was so different…

I don’t know what I am trying to say exactly… I’ve just been thinking about how much I have actually felt this year and how almost unbearable it has been compared to being unable to feel anything at all. It’s like an awakening but a bad kind. Sometimes I feel like I just can’t and won’t survive like this and want to go back to the isolation and shame of not being a proper person. I always saw myself as a robot. I’m now turning into a human and when I get triggered I feel way too much. And I’m not superior at all and I feel so stupid for thinking I was…

Suppose I’m wondering if anyone has ever felt like this? Or if anyone has anything to say about mine or their own experience? Thanks