Thanks guys! It’s just a pretty big change. And I guess I wonder if I always felt nothing because I knew on some level that I’m not able to cope with feelings things. I’ve overestimated myself a lot this year, throwing myself into things thinking I’ll feel nothing then bam, I’m screwed because it is too much for me to cope with.
Scarlet, that ache you described reminds me of this awful heavy feeling (like there’s something painfully heavy inside me) Ive been getting and I’m left with it for days or weeks and I can only pretend to function but it is torture and only severe SH eases it enough for me to be able to pretend. I have such a long way to go and I just don’t know if I’m able..
In so many ways I’ve wanted to feel because then I would know that I actually have been through stuff. But now I realise that it doesn’t matter that I can feel, it’s not like someone is going to suddenly appear and save me from it. I just feel the stuff, for what exactly? So I can hurt all over again that I wasn’t worth protecting or saving then and I still amn’t now.