Today I want to talk about one of my demons. My parents moved me to a different high school in junior year of high school. I asked them to move me into a more competitive school. Long story short, I was bullied a lot that year in that new school. Two kids in particular picked on me all the times. I did fight back some times but one of those kids was bigger and stronger than me by a lot. I am sure this to some extent is an experience that we all go through, however I am thinking there must have been other factors going on at the time that made it hard for me to get over.

What I regret the most about that year is to have allowed those two kids bully me the way that they did. I could have brought a knife, a bat, a hammer or even a gun that my father kept in the house to deal with them. Yet I never did. I actually don't think any of that crossed my mind back then. I am glad I didn't because I think I would have lost so much by acting on impulse. Yet today, part of me still regrets not having done something more bold, something more aggressive. I regret not having stood up for myself. I let those two push me around, call me names, laugh at me. This crap even got in the way of my learning experience. In case anyone is wondering, I did tell the school counselor about it and he didn't do much about it other than 'let me talk to the students'. One day towards the end of the school year the whole class went to 'outdoor school' and stayed at this camp overnight. Right before going to bed (there were no chaperones present) one of those students decided to pee on my bed. My blood was boiling, I fought the student, then I flipped the mattress and I slept on that side. The next morning I went straight to the school counselor and I told him about it, I was crying a lot. They finally took my complaints seriously and suspended those students for a number of days. I think that was the end of the bullying however that was near the end of the school year also. My parents moved far far away after that, not as a result of the bullying. They had this move planned. I never saw those students again ever, nor I saw my former classmates. I think of them as being complicit so I have no desire to even look them up on facebook. I simply wish that whole year was erased from my personal history. I know that it isn't possible but I choose to forget about it.


Well, there was that. I actually had never told this story to anyone. While this happened over 20 years ago, I still wish I had been respected and valued as other students were. I have no idea why they picked on me. Was I not friendly enough? I know its a useless exercise but this experience left the nasty habit in me to wonder what was wrong with me? This habit has been tolling on me. On my ability to be present, on my ability to develop confidence in who I was and that affected me at home, at work, with romantic partners, etc. Only recently I learned that when people act that way, its for reasons that only have to do with them. This information helps me pick my battles and not engage with everyone that disagrees with me. So overall I think this experience no longer controls me but I certainly feel embarrassed to acknowledge I was a victim of bullying in high school. I hope after telling you all about this, I can accept myself a little bit more. Thoughts?