Dr. S - you replied. It was a good reply,. My head knows and can accept. My heart hurts too much for the waiting. I want to reply - to have a dialog with you. I want to never reply and somehow stop the hurting. Somehow help the memories of you drift to the back of my mind and possibly even out. There are moments I wish we'd never met - and in those same moments; I'm pretty sure I would not be alive if we hadn't met. Not where I was when we met. Now I'm alive.... I'm still not living. And maybe that is because I am trying to 'define' living or aliveness and there really isn't a single definition or way to distinguish the emotions of living from emotionally surviving. How does one get to feel the warmth of loving and lightness - when it feels so much pain.