For me it just feels like the universe is trying to tell me something.

You've had a bad childhood, you've ended up alone and you've failed at life, now let me dig in the nail in further..

The funny thing is that if I woke up tomorrow cured, I wouldn't know what to do with myself or how to feel about it.

I think I've just accepted that the universe is not on my side regardless and it's only a downhill battle from here.