Hello everyone,
I'm writing here to seek help, and find inner peace. Here's the situation: I've recently started dating a girl who is 4 years younger than me. The two of us have an idyllic relationship, full of tenderness, love and kindness. I'm in love like I've never been before. However, she had told me that her EX had been bad to her, and she told me their story better:
She was 18 and he was 35, they met at work
He charmed her (in the manner of a narcissistic pervert) and then put her in
The only thing she refused was triolism, on which he was very insistent.
She told me she was in his grip, that she was afraid, that she couldn't say no to him. If at first I was angry/jealous because she was still seeing him during our seduction phase (romantic as it was), I understood that she had been the victim of a twisted predator (she never gave her name to anyone, for fear that someone would press charges).
Here's my problem today:
- It's horrible, but I wonder how she could have accepted all that. I've read testimonies, articles and documentaries on the subject and there's always this notion of control, which I've come to understand. I just find it hard to accept, and I know it's horrible, but I feel my darling's value has diminished in my eyes (I'm not a boob, I'm rather dirty too, but it's always been respectful and fun). I find it hard to believe that for over 2 years she could have been used as a "v*** c*****" by someone who didn't respect her in any way (those were the words he used with her).
- I wonder if there are any after-effects on our sex life today. I've read that some victims develop a "fanaticism" even after separation for the person and the type of practices associated with him. I'm uncomfortable when I think she's secretly dreaming about him, or imagining him when we're making love and she closes her eyes (she's retained a submissive side from those days). Or, that often victims start to anticipate the predator's need, and it hurts me even more to imagine her getting into his game and "acquiescing/repeating" the insults and practices.
- BIGGEST PROBLEM: The images in my head that loop back and forth, fueled by I must admit years of consumed adult films. I imagine her in the worst productions,
I'm sorry to be so "raw", but it's the best way to express my feelings. I have the images on a loop, I can't sleep all night and I start thinking about them again when I wake up.
I don't know what to do. I thought about just leaving, telling her it was too much. Maybe it would be easier to mourn the relationship rather than have obsessive episodes where I don't want to do anything, not even eat... On the other hand, what a horrible person I'd be if I left her because of a trauma she suffered?
I thought of accompanying her and urging her to lodge a complaint (they both worked at the gendarmerie) or at least talk to the people responsible, because she can't be the first young recruit to have fallen into his clutches, but if she hasn't done it herself and managed to forget, why would I go and drag her back into the story? Just so that ME can say to myself "He did this to her, but he didn't get away with it"?
I got information about the practices through roundabout questions (and by elimination + what I've read in articles about "narcissistic perverts in their sexuality". I know she's ashamed of it, but I'd like to ask her for the details so I can maybe learn that it's less "humiliating/degrading" than I thought. Maybe that would help? I'm not a jealous person, and never ask about the "size" or "prowess" of exes. But now this man is in my sights and I'm fixated... How do victims feel at times like this? Do they take pleasure, even unhealthy pleasure? Do they take refuge in their heads?
P.S.: I'd like to anticipate comments like "her sexual past is her business" or "you're a machist and a mysoginist". I have respect for everyone and all practices, as long as they are done with consent.
Thanks to those who took the time to read.
HELP! HELP¨! HELP! HELP ! HELP ! HELP! HELP!