41 days since I saw you last; almost 6 weeks. There's been 2 emails in there. The waiting for a reply on the 2nd one was damaging to my calm. I thought I was more prepared than what my heart was. I'm sure I will email you again, even though you are doing a good job at being polite and being redirective. That hurts some too. I don't know if I will ever not love you. The feelings were real/are real the who... is a questionable illusion. When my dad came up on Facebook, it was hard and hurt. Then the thought of my mom coming up and I thought of my mother's image and my connection to you. The 2 blend -- which I believe was purposeful. I almost feel that seeing Dr. H and Dr. P might provide a where bridge - especially if I get to continue to have some connection to you or if pDoc or OT can somehow fill that role. Dr. P completely represents the stricter embodiment of my father while Dr. H has more of a mothering feel while still being cismale. I don't know - maybe it is all a bunch of hogwash - a con. It has started to feel like a con. Yet, my inner world is different, the changes were interrupted and I am very angry about that. And between everything - doing what is best for the now may not be best for the tomorrow. So I am gathering data to make some decisions.

41 days down and a long time to go. And I think you might be right in that I won't want to go back to seeing you if/when that becomes an option. One will have to see - when and what is occuring at that time.