Hi Laurenoir59


I read your post and this is what comes to me:

It's very sad and traumatic for her. Keep in mind that she's young (like 20? from what I gather) and likely has codependency issues, plus she's scared and ashamed. She trusted you with this information. But for you, the genie is out of the bottle: you can't get the images out of your mind and they're on a loop. That must really torment you.

The other guy surely watched some of the same type of videos that you watched and probably even more extreme ones and probably picked up his moves from that. There is an epidemic of porn these days and it's becoming more and more extreme which is really frightening, tbh. People aren't grounded anymore.

I feel really sad for the young woman, especially...


Do you want advice? I'd say that it's too much for you and that you should leave her, as it's actually not fair to her to be with someone who doesn't love, trust, and respect her.

I had two men in my life that I'd like to talk about in relation to this situation you're in.
One man I met when I was 19 and he was 31, and I was as green as could be... he didn't treat me well and gave me VD and didn't care, etc. The second man I met was a decade later, and he insisted on knowing my sexual past... I can tell you that it was a mistake on my part to tell him. He always had the images on a loop. And, in the end, he didn't treat me well either... even admitted that he'd stopped respecting me.


So, hearing you say that "I feel my darling's value has diminished in my eyes" is not far from "not respecting" her anymore, no? Think about that.

Doesn't this injured human being deserve to be in a relationship where she is respected and valued? I ask you.

Staying in a relationship with her will feel like you're doing her a favour, but trust me you are doing her no favours by staying.


I'd say the young woman should go to counselling for what she's been through and the reasons why she stayed. She could also work on her courage to face life on her own, alone, but on her own terms. There is CoDA.org which is Codependents Anonymous where she could find meetings to attend online or in-person. I hope she gets the care she needs.