You and your children have shown symptoms of stockholms syndrome. There is also some trauma bonding. I could see this dynamic more by listening to what you shared. Your commitment to trying to please her and have her finally love you was way over the top.

Then you shared how your wife and her friends decided they could USE men to fix their cars and without reciprocating This is a clear red flag screaming “toxic person” who doesn’t love but instead only uses.

You keep projecting your own good qualities onto her. She had you convinced that the problems were your fault. This is how toxic people behave.

Part of the reason I did not talk about how men can also be like this is that I could see you had already been constantly encouraged to think the unhappiness was your fault. You already carry too much guilt and I don’t want you to fall back into self blaming.