15mg stim needed to be 10mg. So I'll skip 20mg of Dexedrine spansules this afternoon. Little too intense, very awake.

I thought about.. Horrors of awareness. So after 75mg of pregabalin, I took 500mg of phenibut, 10mg of diazepam, and 5mg of olanzepine.

I feel better now.

I've been very confused, but able to explain myself now. It's tough. What will happen next, Idk.. I'm not in an enlightened/flow state (Kind of..)...

My addictions are still the shadow. I'm honest to everyone, my family. But I hide secrets of my addictions, always have. Why I've self medicated? Well, just the reason why anyone get prescribed meds, therapy - Or anything, in general, want to fix something, how people react..

I'm still not sure what visual hallucinations ever are. People hallucinate on psilocybin - I did.. But I was in another mental state too (Psychosis - Like I've never experienced so strongly in my life, 2016). People were hovering over me, seeing Kamakazi pilots, insects etc... But yeah. Apart from the hypnotic ones, seeing people as if IRL.

I was hallucinating last night (Visuals when I closed my eyes) - Each vision, lead to another abstract picture - Like for example: I'd see cars driving (As if they were real), then I'd be looking through the windscreen of a car, seeing motorbikes travelling past me. Or a foot, crashing on the beach, making people get sucked into a tornado - The triangular tornado turns into a pizza, gets eaten by someone in their apartment.. Never experienced such imagery. I then went to sleep.

I was rehearsing what I could say to my psychiatrist, imagining how I could explain this type of thought/imagination pattern - And it just kept continuing on and on, forever. But I'd never be able to do that with other people listening. I have a non-fear of judgement in my own head. But the ability is there, to be spontaneous.