Hey y'all. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to do with this post but anyways. I spend a lot of time convincing myself that things are fine and that I'm happy with my life and fine with the way things are like i'm meant to.

But i feel like my existence doesn't do anything, basically. and that makes me feel like maybe I don't really exist. like things aren't even real. it doesn't seem to matter if I stay in bed all day and do absolutely nothing or sometimes i think about what would happen if i just suddenly started screaming for people to listen to me. and every year on my birthday, people ask me what I want. by now, I know that there's no right answer. I'm wrong no matter what comes out of my mouth. and i honestly don't want anything anymore

It's almost like I can't remember past emotions clearly anymore and I can't figure out what I'm feeling now. Whatever this is started right after the time I quit performing, which was my passion before I went to college. I look in the mirror, and I have no idea who I'm looking at anymore and I don't want to. I'm sure that if my younger self knew what I ended up doing with my life, she'd cry.

Sometimes, I wake up and it's like the day is already over because I just feel empty. and i think when I try and put myself out there and make friends, (i have none at the moment) it's like people can tell that I'm empty. even if i try and fake feeling stuff like happiness or sadness. i wish that there was some sort of escape from it sometimes