he told me tonight that i deserved better than he gave me. said he wants to help me heal from the trauma of his actions. said he will always love me. said we will always be family. i asked me what he gets out of helping me heal, he said because he caused damage, he wants to help repair damage.

he moved into another new place today. has another new girlfriend. said he has to have someone.
he told me that i helped him "enough." apparently he has someone else to "help him"? interesting. i guess he sees a woman in his life as someone who helps him, and he tapped out all my help.
interesting.
this is why i'm a good assistant.

i told him that its very confusing how everything went down, the end, how he behaved, how he said he loved us and didn't act like it. how he acts different every time he talks to me. that the past cant be swept under the rug. that im surprised he even cares at all, tries to connect, sends money.

i cried quite a bit to him. he cried a bit. i told him i have to let him go, that i lived so long in the hopes that things would improve to a happy family. he said we did have a happy family. i said we really didn't most the time.

we were not a good couple. we fought a lot. i tried not to take things "personally." i kind of hate him, and told him that tonight.

he might feel nothing in regard to others that doesnt circle back to him somehow. i guess he cant help that. he said he has decided that it works better to be nice with people. he is trying not to be who he was.

i feel a big question mark around it all. so confusing. such a long relationship. tore me down to nearly nothing. i wonder who will ever love me. who will i ever love. who could i trust.

i dont know what he is into these days, but im so relieved i don't have to be subjected to it.
just today, i was cleaning up his mess in the garage. still harboring his stuff. i dont like his messes, his piles, his obsessions. jams up every corner, ever inch, vertically, horizontally. stuff stuck to stuff. i dont like chaos i like order. we couldnt tolerate that about each other.

i have to get the rest of the weight off my shoulders. ive come along way. i can see how wrong my thinking was before in putting him first to avoid the consequences of not putting him first.

i had enough of him in the very beginning, yet made more space, worked harder, gave all. put him first as he demanded. catered. supported supported

i dont think i fear him any longer. or fear for him.

he gave me space tonight to say how i feel and what i think, and when he misunderstood me, id tell him again and hed get it. he was patient and listened. felt pretty good.

i would love to yell at him. scream. remind him of things he likely doesnt remember. tell him how annoying he is. throw things a him. make him afraid.

he never feared me. he thought i would NEVER want to leave him.

he moves on so easily. he said that isnt true, it isnt easy.