I think I would want to go, but that if I did, I would be as non-obtrusive as possible, standing at the back, etc. Would just want that "last goodbye" I guess. But sd makes a good point about the possibility of finding out something about them you didn't want to know, if the family dynamic isn't what you expected; so that would give me pause about actually showing up. Perhaps instead, at the time of the funeral, I would just privately light a candle and say some words in her honor or something. It is a little morbid to think about I suppose but at the same time, she's getting up there in age, so it isn't entirely a bad idea to think about what I would do. We had a similar conversation years ago about how would I find out if she died, and she said she didn't have anything set up for that because she doesn't like thinking about her own death, so I asked her to make a plan so that I would be notified of her passing and she did (or said she did anyway) so... I really hope I never have to find out. I mean seriously the way my body keeps trying to do me in medically speaking, she'll likely outlive me even though she's 12 years older.

As far as her attending mine... I would much prefer that she attend if she wanted to, rather than want to and not let herself because of some idea of protecting a relationship that no longer would exist. She wouldn't have to tell anyone how she'd known me, anyway; not that it would matter at that point.