yes its so hard for me to understand this.

i said earlier: i dont think i fear him any longer. or fear for him.
clearly i do.

also i'm feeling shaken up about the conversations last night, exhausted, angry, disgusted, then compassionate, more confused.

i said a lot of things to him. he said he hears me, thanked me for being honest. i asked him what he heard. he said he heard that i dont know whether i trust him, and that maybe i'll trust him in the future.