youre right. nothing much good has come from speaking to him and seeing him. my child wanted to see him again, or rather got roped in by his bribes, so ive seen him that way. im thinking its best they dont see each other, but my child is old enough that im not sure how much i should dictate to her.

i talked to him yesterday to give him a health update about our child (upon childs request), otherwise i wouldnt have talked to him. i don't want to talk to him.

i was very vulnerable last night because of our childs health issue, and when i gave him the update, he cried and i felt that connection.

the problem is, he is one of the leading causes of our child's health issue (mental health issues from neglect, exposure to parents mental illness, scars of abandonment). trying to cure the abandonment by reengaging with the disordered person who did the abandoning. a therapist really needed to be involved but the timing wasnt right.

its a mess im trying to navigate. i realized in talking to him last night, that although it felt good to say how i feel, how he hurt me, without him telling me to shut up, without him telling me i'm wrong, was a bit healing. but still, there is the gross feeling of being vulnerable to him. worrying about feeding his ego, degrading myself.

trying to heal "trauma"