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CANDC · Nov 12, 2023 at 12:40 PM

@felineangel what you experience when you feel "i want to hurt cause i know i deserve to feel pain" sounds to me like victim blaming. You are punishing yourself for something that happened in the past that you seem to believe is your fault. Blaming ourselves for something that happened to us happens more than we may imagine. This article from Psychology Today talks about how common it is to blame ourselves and even punish ourselves for something that is not our fault even if others think differently.

Quote:

That's because the tendency to blame the victim may be programmed into the human mind at a very basic level. Ask yourself if you've ever wondered whether the victims of a crime or accident had done something to set themselves up for their tragedy? Victim-blaming doesn’t have to involve accusing survivors of directly causing their own misfortune. It can involve the simple thought that you would have been more careful, implying that the tragedy was at least partially their fault.

What you have been through must have been very traumatic. It may take someone who is trained in surviving abuse to help unravel this, but at the very least you could help yourself by stopping blaming yourself for what happened due to others's actions.

Often what happens after someone experiences trauma is we think other people are blaming us in their mind. This is difficult to know but so easy to fall into. This is a form of emotional abuse. Here is a short video that has some ideas how to deal with emotional abuse from others or from ourselves.
8 Ways Emotional Abuse Traumatizes You - YouTube

It is called "8 Ways Emotional Abuse Traumatizes You" so if the above link does not work in your area, you can search on the title.

Hope you get the support you are looking for. @CANDC