****. I’m so depressed again for no reason at all. I started feeling off last night. Dissociative. Like I didn’t belong in this world and RS was unfamiliar to me. I BARELY made it through work and really only did because I couldn’t come up with a believable excuse to leave. I don’t know what to blame this time around. It’s only been two weeks since my last ECT treatment and I’ve been taking the lexapro again for three weeks.

I am so over it. Even when I’m well I don’t really want to live. I’m just slogging through until the big sleep. I’m mad at myself for having a kid bc I could have done it by now but I could never do that to CR. So there’s nothing to do except get through it. And I’m tired. I’m tired of this monster coming after me every few months or weeks or days. Lamictal keeps the mania away so I don’t even get the fun parts. I haven’t been hypo for years. But the depression, oh the depression likes to hang around.

I feel like this is my fault, what if I’m just driving myself to this state? I mean I’m definitely not helping myself right now. I don’t see the point, honestly. I’ll never beat it. I don’t even care. All I can do is hope I don’t wake up.

But the worst part is tomorrow I could be perfectly fine. I don’t know where my day is going to land until I wake up and I’m TIRED of it.

I’ll probably call my pdoc tomorrow. Maybe he can do something. And maybe I’ll be honest with my therapist about my constant dysphoria regarding this thing called life. Maybe there’s some CBT or DBT things I can do.