That sounds tough

My response to you is self compassion- always.

When you reproach yourself (as you may well do and that’s okay) answer yourself- you did what you could at the time with the circumstances and all that fed into that, it’s likely much of this was beyond your control. You may likely have not had the full awareness and knowledge that you do now, that comes with age and experience.

What’s important is not punishing yourself but moving forward in the way you want to.