I gave in and scheduled ECT for tomorrow. I was thinking about it and with thanksgiving and CR’s birthday coming up I just think it would be better if I can maybe feel better quicker. Last time it took about four days so hopefully it’ll be that way again. I know I might still be not feeling well for CR’s birthday arcade trip but I can fake it pretty well. Lots of experience in that area.

I made it a half day at work then went home “sick”. And now I’ll have to be off tomorrow but at least I’ll have a note for that. I should take Friday off too as I don’t feel myself the day after treatment but I think that’s too much. I’ll just have to power through.

I really should have stayed at work because now I’m flooded with self harm and SI thoughts but I wasn’t doing well so whatever. At least I ate today. Not great food but yesterday I barely ate anything. So again, what the **** ever, really.

I just wish I could get through life like a normal person. This illness sucks. Every time I think I’m ahead it all falls apart. I’m sad.