I'm feeling very sad this morning. I am feeling the sadness of not having a partner who truly loves me, appreciates me, honors me, and respects me.

I have not had a healthy, stable, long-term fulfilling relationship in my entire life. Not ever. I've had lots of short-term relationships. I've had some healthy ones, but it's been a long time. The most recent relationships have been incredibly toxic.

I am not going to settle - not ever again. But I want to fall in love. I want the real thing. The real deal and long-term. I want a lifelong partner. I am fine and happy being single right now, but ultimately at some point, I'd like to find 'the one".

I am 53 years old. I look like I'm 45, I am told. So that weighs in my favor slightly. I refuse to do online dating. I hate online dating. Every time I've tried it, I've met dysfunctional men. NO THANK YOU. I think in today's world, it's incredibly hard to find a stable, emotionally healthy man, let alone someone around my age.

I know I need to branch out from my social scene. I know I need to join some groups, perhaps an outdoor activities group, so that I can meet different types of men.

But I want a guy who loves the same music as I do. This is very important to me. Music is central to my life and is one of my greatest passions. I want a guy who will go to live shows with me, all the ones I love. We need to have this in common. I know of couples who don't share that, and I always think, I don't want that. I want to share this passion with my partner.

My ex husband and I did share music as a passion. UGH. I met my ex through the local music scene.

But every man I've become involved with from my music scene is dysfunctional in some way. The first guy was a gypsy and very non-commmital. The second guy had too much toxic drama surrounding him and was involved in a heavy drug scene. All his friends seemed like burnouts. No thank you. The third guy I believe is a narcissist and exhibits negative behaviors reminding me of my ex. 3 guys I've dated and I am done.

I've been waiting until I had a stable steady job to join social groups. Now I do have a stable job. But I am wary. What if men in those groups are no better? I am a bit jaded from my experiences with men lately.

I think I will wait before joining groups - maybe in the new year. New year, turn a new leaf? Try new and different activities? The new year is a perfect time to make some necessary changes.

UGH. In the meantime, I am saddened and disheartened.