I love you all. So much. For those of you doing well, keep it up. You're doing fantastic and I hope this good stretch lasts as long as the sun keeps burning. For those of you not doing so hot, things get better, it just takes time. You're awesome. Each and everyone of you, in your own unique ways.
@
Mountaindewed sending loving vibes to your family
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Everyone of you make me feel accepted here when elsewhere (irl and even in some other parts of this forum) I feel like a totally deranged maniac who really does not belong in society, and maybe they're right, but at least in this check-in thread I get a break from that.
It's weird because when someone says they're concerned about me I get angry because I don't want people to care. But I've been reading a little bit about the inner child and eating disorders. I guess I loathe my inner child. "Needy" "stupid baby" "wuss" "burden" etc. I loathe those inner child needs like nurture and love because they weren't really things when I was an actual child. (The ED bit is the "I can't have needs" being played out with food). But when you guys say it here it's bittersweet. If, say, my mom or S said it, I'd totally flip my hat. But when I read it here, maybe it's the distance and lack of tone and reading vs hearing, but it just seems more... genuine? legitimate? natural? sound? warranted? I don't know, but there's more to it than when someone who doesn't get it says it (I still get angry but it's like a toddler getting angry when they're told they can't jump off the roof).
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I started a new med yesterday (Iloperidone) and so far am not impressed. Within two hours of taking my first dose I felt weak and clumsy. I fell. Got better as the day progressed so I took the nighttime dose thinking "I'll be in bed, got nothing to worry about." Wrong. After my 1.5 hour sleep I got up and nearly fell again but I grabbed on to the kitchen table. My TH were just as bad as ever last night too. Tonight I get a sleepy pill or two so hopefully I can catch some Z shaped balloon animals or gear ties or gummy worms or something idk
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Shine like a campfire on the darkest night of the year in the North Woods of Maine
