I think what happened the other night really was my fault though. I provoked him.

Why am I so recalcitrant? It's like I find red flags and make fun of the color red until the flags change my color too.

Is it because my father is likely a sociopath (he checks off a lot of boxes but obviously I ain't an MD) and he's convinced me over the years through gaslighting I now realize that his way is best (slowly undoing this), and if his way is best, then shouldn't I hang around people just like him...people that will use me for their next high, people that will abuse me, people that will gaslight me, people that will abandon me but show up when they're drunk or high or whatever and think "I miss fking with MuddyBoots"?

Ugh too much to cover in therapy. What's more important being assaulted over the weekend or being completely unable to eat more than 600kcal a day when I'm burning triple that?