I need to stop going out all night with friends and trying to forget everything that I'm feeling. I'm so exhausted and feel shameful the next day and my mom keeps trying to be supportive and understanding but I can tell I've been disappointing her and she wants me to do better. She's been telling me the past year how she doesn't like seeing me going through the same cycles because it's hard to watch me struggle so much and I don't like it either. But also it feels like I can't handle my impulsivity even though I think I have it under control because in the back of my mind I think it could be a lot worse but that doesn't mean that it's ok right now. I told her I would actually stop drinking and going out and that we could make an appointment together so that I could start taking medication again. I'm just so terrified of this change even though it's good change and that is super frustrating too.