it is all muddled up... my father... M... bobo... mr man... my therapist... so muddled up all into a big mess in my head...

i had this discussion with my supervisor a couple weeks back. i needed to do an academic CV for something and he was telling me that I should write a short statement on my research interests and a short statement on my thesis topic. he said that in a way it was descriptive (i needed to be able to justify / back up what i said with respect to what i had in fact done) but he said something that deeply affected me...

he said it was mostly predictive. it was about presenting myself as the kind of academic i wanted to be. the kind of academic that i wanted to become. i saw my thesis project... and was horrified as to how that presented me... identity crisis.

so... after finally hitting upon a doable and worthwhile project i came to realize that that was not the project i wanted to do. there was such a discrepancy between my statement of research interest and my thesis project that my thesis project had to go.

but that discussion has had bigger ramifications for me identity-wise than that. in particular... i've realized just how predictive those stories that we tell ourselves really are. for example... i thought to myself 'i love my therapist'. and i thought to myself 'all of those relationships mentioned above seem to be a big muddled mess'. and now (in predictive fashion) they really have become a muddled mess. and i'm thinking about my therapist differently (more sexually) than i was before... and i'm thinking about mr man differently (more as a person who rejected me for others) than i was before... and i'm thinking... this isn't so good for me.

just like my statement of my thesis project... i want to take this statement back. to see the relationships as different is important, i think. to tease them apart. so i can give a different response to my therapists question 'is it worth it?' i was thinking 'no, not when the other person feels differently'. and i think that is right with respect to mr man. but of course that dosen't apply to my therapist. because if he felt similarly... that would be so very much worse.

so with respect to my father the answer is probably 'yes, it was worth it' because i needed that attachment and it helped me survive until i was 14 and it was feasible for me to run away from home and fend for myself whereas i don't think i would have survived if i had given up on that attachment earlier. with respect to bobo the answer is 'no, it was not worth it' because he didn't take appropriate care and thus i shouldn't have given him the power to affect me so. though... he too helped me stay alive for a time, and (to begin with at least) he did seem to take appropriate care and so he did help me. it was probably just when he thought i was attached enough such that he could do whatever he liked that it became not worth it. i needed to put limits... and then it was hard... with respect to mr man the answer is 'no'. because i really think that with respect to looking for that life partner you should save your heart for someone who feels (is capable of feeling, does feel) similarly to you. maybe... mr man was worth it. but given the way events transpired (and given the way he now feels about me) the answer is 'no. he is not worth my love anymore'.

with respect to my therapist the answer is 'probably yes'. it is probably worth it. i guess bobo taught me that love is not (should not) be unconditional. if the other person doesn't take appropriate care then you do need to withdraw your love from them - preferably BEFORE humiliating yourself too much. that you need to have boundaries and limits such that the person KNOWS that your love isn't unconditional - that if they cross certain boundaries that your care will be withdrawn. and i think... they really need to know that BEFORE you do it and BEFORE they cross that line - because that is what makes it so much more likely that they won't cross that line. or if they do cross it (as bobo did, as mr man did) then they know full well that the inevitable result is that i withdraw my care. there is a place for appropriate anger, indeed, and there are lines that when crossed are lines that means that you do what you need to do to withdraw your care. he wasn't worth so much of my care. and that is a fact.

or maybe it is... that they all were worth it for a time (when they seemed to care for me appropriately) and then when they didn't seem to care for me appropriately anymore then they simply weren't worth my love and care anymore. at that point... it became not worth it. trouble is that once you do care... it is so very hard for me to withdraw that care. to come to not care anymore. to come to not care so much but still care... that is hard for me. so very hard. and given that i'm not so good at that... sometimes it feels like it wasn't worth my caring about them the way i did. that if i hadn't come to care about them so very much they wouldn't have had such power to hurt me so very much. and then... i wouldn't have struggled so very much with withdrawing my care in appropriate ways (especially with respect to trying to deal with my anger).

i don't want my therapist to think about me a lot outside therapy (just to think kindly of me in the odd moment - as his odd emails show me he does). i don't want him to start thinking about me all muddled up with his mother and his wife. i want him to have this clarity about us having a different relationship. that is affected by those other relationships of course, but not one that is defined by them. one that is more responsive to me in the present than to those relationships in the past. and... i want to view him more in the present than as a symbol of my relationships in the past.

in particular... i need to accept his care and concern and affection for me in a way such that i can internalize that and carry it around with me. and to lament that 'no, it is not worth it' is to reject him... to reject him on grounds that simply don't apply (and for reasons where if those reasons were undermined then that is precisely what would undermine his ability to help me).

dammit. why is life so %#@&#! confusing?????