Still haven't done anything. I really let myself down today. Didn't even get dressed. I know what it takes to have a better life, but I'm not doing it.

Some hamburg needs cooking tonight, or it will soon be too old. If I at least do that, I will salvage some self-respect.

I always usually improve once I start taking care of what needs doing. Being idle today means I won't sleep tonight. My excuse is that prolonged aloneness has demoralized me. But I do nothing to find an alternative to aloneness. There's so many options for getting out of my shell. They take just a little bit of courage and patience. A solution is not going to ring my doorbell and present itself to me on a silver platter. It must be worked for. Instead I just lazed around here all day. Now I hang my head and cry. I want there to be someone here to care and encourage me. I cry because there is no one I can call. There are relatives at a distance, but I won't bother them.

Actually, I tolerate aloneness quite well. I probably require more solitude than most. Lately, however, there has been too much. This started when my elderly neighbor went in the hospital. I had been visiting with her rather often. Then I suspected she was not well. I took her to a doctor and brought her to get a medical test done. It proved she needed hospitalization. So she's gone to get that care. It's been quite a while. We've spoken on the phone twice. She was very sick. I considered visiting her. We're not close friends, so I don't want to intrude. I will try to call her tomorrow.

Today I spent hours deciding what gesture to make toward a recently bereaved family that I know. Making any gesture was optional because I'm not close with them. I learned of the loss on Facebook. I felt very sorry for them because this was a sudden, unexpected loss of someone who might have lived another 20 years. Finally, after long deliberation, I sent a text expressing sympathy and ordered a small floral arrangement to go to the funeral home tomorrow. Fretting for hours over that decision was what side-tracked me from my intention of cleaning and cooking today. This is the kind of social anxiety that siphons off way too much of my mental energy.

I wouldn't say I'm truly "avoidant," but social phobias plague me something terrible. That's really the root of my recurrent depressive episodes. I struggle against social anxiety and make myself do things that don't come easily to me. I fight my bad tendency to self-isolate. But, still, I never quite put together a normal, socially balanced life. I need to not give up. When trying doesn't succeed, you just have to keep trying and try harder. Sometimes it pays off, at least for a while. Life is not meant to be easy.

A day of fretting has tired me so. I want to get that ground beef cooked. I could put the radio on in the kitchen to try and distract my mind from these sad thoughts. It's hard to make myself get up and do that. It just seems so hard, which is stupid nonsense on my part.