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Originally Posted by AnaWhitney
My tolerance is just so low around her acknowledging in any way some of my life experiences. I have now told her to shut up and f**k off multiple times. I can’t even tolerate her vaguely talking about abuse in general, eg we were going through the symptoms of BPD and she got to the bit about causes of BPD and I freaked out but held it in because she was reading about the different types of abuse and as usual my head went weird and I spaced out and had no idea what she said for ages but I had this anger in me and even though she moved on, it just kept building because she was still talking and then I verbally lashed out at her. I did the same thing next session when she mentioned my childhood. Then I feel so guilty afterwards for treating my only ally this way. I don’t know why I’ve got so angry but I feel very close to giving up because I don’t want her to have to put up with my behaviour. I’ve apologised but what good is it that when i know I will probably do it again.
We’ve both agreed that I am majorly pushing her way at the moment. I used to love her and now I hate her and she hasn’t done anything to deserve it. Why do I turn everything bad?Even thought I hate her, I don’t want her to terminate me but I wouldn’t blame her if she did
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I'm sorry this is so painful. I wonder if it's possible that you're going through a sort of rebellious teenaged phase with your T, where you're separating from her in the way that a teen would from their parents? Whether it's just where you are in the process with her/therapy in general, if she's triggering something from your teen years in particular, or something else?
I ask because I feel I've done that with my T some, pushed back against him, told him I'm upset with him, told him something in anger that he said was "very offensive" to him a year ago, etc. And I'm someone who doesn't generally express anger (or even let myself feel it) or hurt. As I've always tended to be a people pleaser. So I feel that it's actually a sign of development and growth that I've pushed against my T in that way
Anger didn't seem acceptable when I was a kid, so my being able to feel it and let it out now with my T I think it a good sign. Though he'll push right back against me, too, rather than simply taking it as some T's might, which is difficult. But he hasn't made me leave.
Maybe it's something about being able to express anger toward your T and not have her reject you? Or maybe you struggle with having someone accept you, knowing the things you've shared, so you're trying to push her away? Just some things to consider.