These answers make sense. Thank you. I’m asking for education, and I am receiving it.

The thing about my former relationship is, even without hormones and surgery, he passed very well. He had enough facial hair to need to shave regularly, and his voice was deep enough to sound masculine. Only with no clothes on did he ever appear to be anything other than an adult male. Strangers didn’t question him when he used the men’s restroom. And nobody ever considered us a same-sex couple. As far as they could tell, we were one man and one woman.

If someone ever did accidentally say “ma’am” instead of “sir,” it was undoubtedly an innocent slip of the tongue. Maybe they’ve said “ma’am” a hundred times in the past hour, and it just came out wrong. I’ve heard it happen to plenty of cisgender men, and it’s no statement about their masculinity. But if my ex heard one hint of “yes m— I mean yes sir,” he showed no mercy. He did everything short of setting fire to something.

I, by comparison and contrast, am dark-haired and light-skinned. I also have enough hair on my upper lip (his was also on his chin) that I need to shave it several times a week, or else I will have a visible mustache. I tried bleaching it once, but as it kept growing, it started curling over my lip like a man’s mustache, and it was no less visible. I’ve always been self-conscious about having hair on my face. It makes me feel less than feminine. But my ex’s son, himself a gay man, assured me I couldn’t pass for a man even if I grew it all the way out. That made me feel better. The only times in my life I have ever wished I were a man, sexuality was not the issue. Male privilege was. Which my ex understood perfectly.