Well, a lot has happened (sorry...long post!)

L took her leave and had her baby 5 days later. Beautiful baby boy. Mom and baby are well.

I've had 2 sessions with G. Horrible. Canceled my last session with him. We are not the right fit. It's so awkward and I have this desire to protect him. He's too quiet, reserved, and passive. I think I'm reading him as fragile and therefore weak. He's also just not as available as I need him to be. J says to just depend on him for email correspondences since I've had a mostly positive experience with that. L says to trust my wise-mind and gut, that it has never steered me wrong. I think L and I focused too much on not getting attached to a substitute support therapist, that we forgot I need a little attachment to develop a connection. I'm not sure what I'm going to do yet.

Then the worst of it all: my ESA, Anya. Anya is my 9 yr old Sheltie. She's the one who went with me to sessions with L. Just before L's leave she got a UTI. We gave her antibiotics and she started vomiting and became lethargic. Switched meds and thought she was fine. She wasn't. Three days after L left, Anya was diagnosed with gallbladder mucocele: basically something clogged her gallbladder, and black sludge started solidifying in there. We thought medication could help, but her symptoms worsened. One week after L left, we had to rush Anya into emergency surgery. Once in surgery they discovered her gallbladder ruptured a few days before. She had less than 50% to survive the surgery. They wanted us to pay for hospitalization for the next several days, but that would have cost us $2k a night. So we fought them, had to sign an ama, and took her home. They said she'd probably die that night. But she didn't! I had to feed through feeding tube, give meds, or clean her drainage every 2-4 hours. It was exhausting. Both L and I were communicating during our morning feedings. It's been 10 days since her surgery and she is doing great! She already had her drainage removed, she'll have her feeding tube removed Sunday and her stitches removed Wednesday. Right now we're feeding every 8 hours, and meds every 4-8 hours. She's spunky again, eating on her own, pottying, everything. Oh, and we finally figured out how the UTI and gallbladder were linked: ecoli. Somehow (we don't feed them anything raw and their diet is 95% kibble), she got ecoli which caused both infections. The ecoli didn't cause the mucocele, but it might be why it ruptured when it did.

I am coping. Thanks to L being there even while caring for a newborn, and thanks to J and H stepping up, I'm okay.

I do want to say thanks to the concern and care from those of you here. I had to step away as it was becoming toxic for me. I'll try my best to not let that get to me. I did not mean to disrespect any of you.

P.S. - I got a tattoo in the mix of all of this. A hydrangea and a peony. They represent me and L. I can't wait to show L! She knew about it and gave me her blessing.