@Motts - Well, thank you very much for your kind compliment, and I know you mean it because you write well enough yourself to be in a position to judge. That affirmation gives me a significant boost for the following reason: I've been avoiding getting involved in doing anything because I've been telling myself that I don't really have any talent that would make me useful anywhere. Your praise challenges that.

The real reason that keeps me home and alone is social anxiety, which has plagued me all my life. I used to say that, once I was retired and didn't have a sick man to take care of, I would volunteer for some worthy cause. Well, I'm retired and it's over 3 years since my sweetie passed away. I've recovered from the grief, and I'm free as a bird. For 2 years, COVID was my excuse for why I had to live like a recluse - wouldn't go to the gym, even when I had someone to go with . . . wouldn't take a course, though I'ld love to get more computer literate . . . wouldn't go to the nearby community center, even after paying a membership fee . . . wouldn't volunteer to help any of the many charities in my town that need help. So I'm mostly home, except to go to shopping. I allowed a few friendships to fizzle out. There's no real need for me to stay this socially distant and isolated. My general health is good. In September I got my 6th COVID shot.

I never had kids, and I'm thousands of miles from my next of kin. So I'm alone an awful lot . . . way too much. I know I'm doing this to myself. Back, when I had my very sick sweetie to take care of, I was busy-busy, meeting all his needs. I used to wonder what I would do when he was gone. I told myself that I'm pretty good at meeting needs, and the world is sure not going to run out of need anytime soon. So I resolved to find a good cause, once I was free. I have 40 years experience as a nurse, plus I did a little teaching/tutoring when I was a graduate student for a brief spell. In 2008, I volunteered briefly to do phone calls for a political campaign. I quit that because I felt inadequate, despite being reassurred that I wasn't. (I tend to not stick with things.) I'm older now and telling myself that any skills I may have once had are now atrophied or obsolete. Yup, I clearly have nothing to offer anyone anymore. Your post helps me revisit that dumb conclusion. Plenty of people with less training and education manage to make wonderful contributions to the community. Then I tell myself that I just don't have the right personality. I think I just won't fit in anywhere. It's fear - raw fear rooted in social anxiety.

I really do have social avoidant tendencies. Still, I managed to work and support myself for years. I simply had to. Now that I don't have to work, I'm free to withdraw. Without necessity forcing me out the door, I'm finding it so hard to leave the house. When it was warm, I was getting outside to work on my small garden and tend to my bird feeders. The cold weather has taken some of the joy out of that.

So here I am spiraling down. I fear having very little contact with others over the Christmas season because I love Christmas. Here's one good thing: I've gotten so sick of living the way I'm living that I think I'm now finally desperate enough to try something or anything that might get me out of my shell. For weeks, I kept going to bed every night, saying: "Tomorrow I'll make some kind of a move." Every day I say, "I'll do it tomorrow." Well, now that I've admitted here in writing what the problem is and how awful it's become, I do think I will do something. Coming to this thread and reading something nice said to me really helps balance off all the negative thoughts I have. I tend to really brighten up when anyone tells me something encouraging. Sorry to ramble on so, but thanks for having the patience to read this.

Yes, the seasonal change with less light and the temperature drop has done a number on me. I've gotten real down right at this time of year before.