My Support Forums - View Single Post - Bipolar Check-In #77

Nammu · Nov 25, 2023, 12:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots

I threw out all my PRNs. It was only Ativan. Im prescribed 2mg. Don't wanna go down that rabbit hole. My therapist mentioned this eating disorder center in massachusetts and they'd determine if I'm IOP PHP or IP but I really can't drive an hour and a half one way for IOP or PHP and I don't want to do IP and I feel like I'm on crack I need sleep but I need to

Possible trigger:

stop purging it's so euphoric but alsoo shame but also endorphins and cutting ahhhhhhh stop me I'm so self destructive. I passed out and hit my head against...soemthing?...anyways.... and now I have TWO black eyes, but ones almost healed. when I go out with S people are gonna think he's a wifebeater. I'm gonna tell my pdoc I'm abusing my ativan so she never prescribes it again it's too much like alcohol I took 10mg the other day and woke up *********.

But yeah, I'm thinking it is not the fanapt causing the falling, as Nammu has said, because I am falling more frequently now. I feel WILD. Feelin like a Freak on a Leash.

I'm just kidding I want to sleep forever all them feelz goods wore off
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A QQ: Does this sound delusional? S woke up, said "Santa Claus sees all." So now I'm thinking that's code for "I put a camera in the bathroom, and I know you were purging in the shower at 1am and SHing."

**** I JUST REALIZED I ABUSED MY ATIVAN SO I HAVE TO RESTART MY CLEAN DATE I JUST REACHED 50 DAYS NOOOOOOO.

Sorry, anyways,
I think he watches me fall with malevolence. Like, "this gal is doing this to herself, so I'm going to make sure on Christmas her ED voice screams at her like never before."

Since he knows, I guess I don't have to go at lengths to hide it anymore. Which means I can outright refuse those stupid *** instant breakfast hot chocolates and whatever other food he makes me eat. And binging? Why bother discretely collecting my hoard overtime? Purging? I mean, I'll still be quiet and turn on music because that's kinda gross, but fk taking breaks I'll spend an hour in the bathroom if that's what it takes.

You may not want ip, but I think it’s the best option for you. You’d be in a safe place and you could give up some of the need for control. I know you don’t feel like you deserve a safe place but you do. I do understand that ip means you have less control, but really it’s not doing you much good right now.