I don't know how you are going to forgive yourself, but that is what you need to do.

Beating yourself up over and over again about the past mars the present moment and steals from the future. It becomes a never-ending cycle.

Have you heard of radical self-acceptance?

How to Practice Radical Acceptance


" Radical acceptance is based on the notion that suffering comes not directly from pain, but from one's attachment to the pain."

You might ask yourself what are the benefits or pay-offs you are getting out of beating yourself up? Of holding on to the pain?


It could be that you don't move forward and thus avoid risk of future failure.

It could be out of guilt to fully be yourself, so you've engaged in self-punishment.

It could be misdirected anger towards yourself when that anger ought to be directed at another person (i.e. your father), but the guilt you feel in becoming yourself and a free individual is so overwhelming that you prefer to remain stuck.

Perhaps you could consult a good psychologist to start unravelling the knot and solving the puzzle.

There's not much worse than loss of faith... that is a terrible price you are paying.