Honestly, I don't even know what tf happened. All I know it was past midnight and I blacked out and the next minute half a pie was gone, there was a protein bar wrapper and a couple Devils chocolate treat wrappers abound, a bag of a pound of nuts that was mostly full was mostly empty, and like 1/3 of a jar of peanut butter was gone so who tf knows what else I ate... I mean, helped with the pdoc appointment weigh in to gain like 5lbs?

Then this afternoon I talked to my CW and she said I should wait until I feel like I really want to recover to do PHP or IOP. I told her I’m just not ready right now. Feeling too ambivalent. Feel simultaneously out of control but more in control than ever (depending on the moment I guess. Did not feel too in control when I felt like my stomach was about to rupture this AM to the point I couldn’t even bend over to purge but a wee bit came out anyways because I was that full). She said that makes sense.

Told pdoc about all the physical and mental shyt that’s been happening (as if the whole team did not hear about my hysterics on Friday). She said basically extremely low blood sugar and psychotic depression (am I really psychotic? the hell?). We talked about why I feel the need to punish myself and feel so out of control, and boy do I feel like absolute dog turd now, and she wants me to talk more about it in therapy! We did a little bit of meal planning. I agreed to add bananas to my diet, keep up with my safe foods, and have 1-2 instant breakfasts or an Ensure a day. Also increasing the Abilify and trying triple the dose of Belsomra (because fk Zyprexa). That I can do.
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I don't want to explain my trauma in therapy. I don't trust my therapist enough, and I will never trust anyone to really discuss it with. I want to, yeah, but I'm being realistic.